Friday, May 13, 2011

In the Eye of the Storm

This has turned out to be a difficult beginning for 2011. My life has been very stormy, with lightning bolts striking in every direction. Some of it was caused by me, some of it was out of my control. A good friend reminded me recently that I need to be able to let go of what I can't control, have the strength to change what I can control, and the wisdom to know the difference... or something along those lines. Either which way you might say it, that is exactly what I need to do. I know that I can't make other people change. I know I can't change the past. But I can decide how I let other people's decisions affect me, and I can decide to be strong enough to make better decisions in the future. It can be so hard to face the reality of my imperfections, or of my distorted thinking, but I must be willing to see what is in the mirror if I am truly going to make a change.

My father passed away on April 5, 2011. I was told by a police officer on April 6. It was completely devastating at that moment. I felt as if the wind had been completely knocked out of me and that I would collapse under the pressure of the enormous boulder that had just crushed my entire body. I have never felt so helpless, so completely alone as I did in that very moment. I knew that my father had taken his life, and in that realization I felt conflicted in being completely rejected while also being devastated at the amazing anguish he must have felt to commit such a permanent and devastating act. I have gone through a whirlwind of emotion in this past month, but I have been lifted by God, carried by the forgiveness and compassion of the Savior. I am getting through this, and I will be alright. I just need to make it through this storm so I will find the joy of the Summer days that lie ahead for me.

Many wonderful and loving friends and family members have been instruments in the hands of God. He has answered many of my prayers through them, and I will be eternally grateful that they listened to his promptings to be there for me, to love me unconditionally through the most difficult time in my life. There are many other very difficult situations that have been complicating my life lately, and some of them have been completely heart wrenching, but I know that I will figure this all out, and that through prayer, strength, patience, and diligence I will come out more whole in the end.